Yaanom, bless their perpetually warring hearts, are at it again. Even in the balmy days of unprecedented peace and prosperity, you could count on them to smell a battlefield brewing.
Take the Great Cedi Appreciation of 2025. It is a miracle, plain and simple. Under the enlightened governance of the Umbrella party (the Party of Pragmatic Progress, or POPP, for short), the Cedi had decided to shed its cloak of shame and stand tall against the bullying Dollar. Before POPP took the reins, you could practically hear the Cedi whimpering in fear every time the Dollar sneezed. Now? It is doing an aerobic fitness classes and flexing in the currency markets.
But Yaanom? Oh no, no miracles for them. “It’s the US-China tariff war!” they cried, pointing accusing fingers at imaginary trade agreements being forged on the battlefield of international commerce. Never mind that the Nigerian Naira is weeping tears of devaluation and the CFA is desperately clinging to the Dollar for dear life. No, it is war. Always war.
You see, Yaanom, by some cosmic misfortune, seemed hardwired to perceive everything through the lens of conflict. Their history is practically a Wikipedia page dedicated to skirmishes, feuds, and the occasional outright invasion of a chop bar they felt had unfairly priced their banku.
During their ill-fated reign, when the national economy was doing the limbo under a particularly low bar, Yaanom blamed, you guessed it, war! Specifically, the Russia-Ukraine unpleasantness.
Fair enough, global events have ripple effects. But according to Yaanom’s logic, the war was also responsible for the questionable quantity and taste of the Free SHS meals, the potholes that swallowed unsuspecting trotros, and the suspiciously high number of squirrels suddenly demanding bribes in the Mole National Park.
And let’s not forget the infamous Courthouse Calamity. A vigilante group, heavily suspected of being enthusiastic Yaanom supporters (they all wore suspiciously similar red, white, and blue attire), stormed a regional courthouse like it was at Labadi Beach on a holiday. Their mission? To liberate their comrades, accused of causing a ruckus so loud it shattered the eardrums of the Regional Coordinating Council’s head of security.
The presiding judge, bless her pregnant heart, found herself face-to-face with a mob more interested in freeing their buddies than upholding the sanctity of the law. Let’s just say the ensuing chaos was less “Order! Order!” and more “Charge! Charge!”
Now, the Cedi, seemingly fed up with being dragged into these perpetual conflicts, decided to show Yaanom who is boss. Today, May 15th, 2025, it traded at a glorious GHc12.52 to the US dollar. A resounding victory! The Cedi is basically doing logoligi on the graves of Yaanom’s economic predictions.
I propose we rename the Central Bank the “Ministry of War and Currency.” And perhaps appoint a Minister of Conflict-Driven Economics. Yaanom, naturally, would be ideally suited for the role.
They could spend their days monitoring global skirmishes, predicting which war will be most beneficial to our economy, and issuing press releases like, “Cedi Strengthens Thanks to Ongoing Tensions in the South China Sea!”
Perhaps, deep down, Yaanom believe that only chaos and conflict can truly validate their existence. Maybe they need a good, old-fashioned battle, even if it’s just against a particularly stubborn bowl of fufu.
As for the rest of us, we’ll be over here, enjoying the sunshine of a thriving economy, hoping the Cedi doesn’t develop a Napoleon complex and invade Togo. After all, that would just give Yaanom something new to complain about. And nobody wants that.
Anthony Obeng Afrane
